“Stoner Donnie” Lights Up a Pot Stock Rally After Hinting Weed’s Exit From Federal Purgatory

You know, I never took you as a stoner, Donald…

Well, if you’ve been bagholding weed stocks, do a little fistbump for your holdings only being down -80% instead of -90%.

Cannabis stocks got high as a kite after reports surfaced that Trump is getting ready to do the unthinkable: stop treating weed like it’s heroin’s deadbeat cousin who lives under the bridge.

Tilray ripped +33%. Canopy Growth caught a +20% buzz. Even the weed ETF (CNBS) jumped nearly 19% in an instant.

Why? Trump is reportedly gearing up to reclassify marijuana from Schedule I (“no medical use, welcome to prison”) to Schedule III (“okay fine, you’re Ibuprofen with codeine now, relax”).

That one change would be a YUGE deal. Schedule III means weed companies can finally stop paying taxes like they’re laundering cash through a Caribbean shell company instead of selling gummies with cartoon bears on the label. 

(Source: Sherwood)

It would also unlock actual banking access, which is huge for an industry that’s been forced to operate like it’s still meeting behind a Taco Bell.

Naturally, Wall Street responded by hotboxing the trading floor with pure speculation.

This rally wasn’t about earnings. It wasn’t about growth. It was about the three most powerful words in markets: “Trump is expected to.” He’s discussed it. He’s floated it. He might do it. Boom… stocks catch a high.

Sure, Trump has teased this in the past. But markets have the memory of a goldfish. This report was enough. Weed rescheduling was always a matter of timing… and now the timing feels… imminent-ish.

To be fair, this doesn’t erase the wreckage. Tilray was still down north of 30% before the bounce, and the weed sector has spent years finding new, innovative ways to lose shareholder trust.

Markets don’t look backward. They chase momentum. And this narrative is loaded: regulatory relief, tax relief, banking access, and Trump turning into the most unlikely cannabis bull since Snoop.

Remember, this wouldn’t legalize marijuana federally. It wouldn’t magically fix broken balance sheets. It wouldn’t stop cannabis CEOs from finding new and creative ways to keep shareholders up at night.

But this would be a generational policy win for cannabis. And for an industry that’s spent years getting lectured instead of regulated, that alone can send stocks screaming higher.

So if your most anti-Trump, perpetually baked friend suddenly starts saying “hear him out,” now you know why.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News doesn’t hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.